well, i started this post monday, but then for several reasons (including no internet access) i didnt get it finished, but since it's my blog and i want to remember this time of beginning this new adventure i'm posting it anyway, even if today is thursday :)
i really wasn't sure what today was going to feel like. um, i loved it. i felt like i was back to my old life...the one before oct.8th 2009. somehow when we are doing what we love the day goes by so fast! baking, cleaning, mowing the yard and laundry was what i did today and i seriously enjoyed it. i know that i am not made to sit behind a desk all day, to look at a computer all day or work in an office setting. that is not me. God made me with a love of creating, when i am not creating i feel stifled. i know that i have to be doing something, but not just for the sake of doing...there has to be a reason and a purpose and i want desperately to glorify God and make Jesus known by whatever i am doing. i fail at this daily, but it is the desire of my heart.
i'm doing a study on jonah right now with one of my best girlfriends. we live in different cities so we are doing it on our own, emailing each other thoughts and then talking on the phone about it. i just finished week one this morning and was (i know, i shouldnt be!) amazed at how amazingly this lesson/topic was in-line with my life today! jonah is just the story in the bible about a guy (jonah) disobeying God and being swallowed by a whale right? NO!!!!!! this is a story about hearing God's voice and obeying Him when it makes no wordly sense at all to do so...can we say "TRUST"?! yikes, isnt this exactly what i have been telling God i'm scared to do? "ok, God, i can trust You with some things, BUT these other things, yea, i'll hold on to them...i dont believe You can or will do good with them."...did i just write that? yep, cause honestly that's where my heart has been the last few weeks...willing to trust God on some things, and absolutely terrified to let my guard down and trust Him on others.
last thursday night i was on the phone with a friend and sharing that i was really struggling with trusting God and enjoying life again, that i was happy, but that it was scaring me...im scared that if i am happy again something bad will happen again, so i'm trying to keep my excitement level down and not let my guard down. he quickly reminded me that i am not to live like that, that is living with superstition and Christians are not to live like that, he also reminded me that our salvation is based on trust. i felt pretty convicted, but knew it was going to take some work/time to start living differently. Sunday morning at church our pastor said "fear is not trusting God, and it's one of two things...1-you dont believe God is who He says He is, 2-you dont believe He can do what He says He can do."...ouch. if i am walking around with so much fear, then which of those two questions do i have to own up to being true in my mind?
i'm resolving to live this week embracing being happy...without fear that bad things will happen because of it!
-kara :)
No comments:
Post a Comment